Why You Don’t Know Me
I don’t often write very personal posts on this blog. I’ve always kept it to the tech side but today I find myself revisiting a topic that I wrote about on May 13th 2008 just a few hours before I left Denmark to move back to Ireland.
The post was entitled “Restarting my Life. Literally” and marked the end of 7 years in Denmark, my life as I knew it, my marriage, my work and everything that I was and had been up until that point.
I have posted a few times with minor updates but none of them ever gave any real detail or told any real story and I am sure that for most looking at them they read as “all is going well”.
Well things haven’t been and it’s about time I put a few things out in the open about myself instead of hiding behind my sarcastic veneer and the safety that is this blog.
As you are all aware I am with Sara from SuburbanOblivion.com. We are both going through divorces and both trying to deal with it. Yet, I am a private person and that has caused no end of problems between us.
Since I moved back here I’ve had a lot of difficulty. I spent time without a home, moving from relations to friends while I was trying to get myself sorted and trying to find a place to call my own. As it stands at the moment I am renting, I could find somewhere else but as I do not know how much longer I will even be in Ireland it makes no sense to get somewhere else.
Upon my return and since, I’ve been trying to deal with a great many things. At least they feel like a great many to me and I have not been doing a good job.
I suffer from depression. I was diagnosed with it a decade ago and was recently diagnosed with anxiety depression. Dealing with it has become part of who I am and that part has been handled badly.
As I said earlier I am a private man. Yes, I voice my opinion publicly but the person inside me remains hidden away. I am a paradox in many ways. I am a very shy person but most who know me would swear that I am very outgoing and have a huge ego. Most of that is an act. It is my way of hiding my insecurities, with bravado and gusto.
It’s also my way of hiding the parts of myself that I fear others knowing about, that I am not proud of. That I am ashamed of.
I’ve lied to cover the things I am ashamed of and I’ve lied, foolishly, in the misplaced belief that hiding my past from people, from Sara, will protect them from it.
Perhaps the thing I am most ashamed of is that I cheated on my ex. The details of why are not for this post. Giving the details as to why would only serve to sound as justification and I am not looking to justify my actions here. I have had to reconcile myself with my actions, a process which is still very much ongoing because I keep making mistakes.
My first mistake was not telling Sara about my past when we became a couple. Sure I told her some details, but I left out the stuff that I was ashamed of. To be honest I’ve glossed over much of my life and dealings.
My rational has always been that my past is my own. That the details of what happened to me are for me to know. I try to judge other people the same way. To stay away from prying in to Sara’s past marriages and relationships for example. I just feel that it is not my place to know these things. That she will share with me what she wants. After all I am not her past. Her past is only a journey that led her to me.
I was wrong.
My perception of things was wrong with respect to how others see things. I didn’t tell Sara about the cheating on my ex and it came back to haunt me. I won’t get into the details of how, but long story short Sara got access to my email and social network accounts and found out.
She confronted me about it. I denied it. I lied. I didn’t want to face it or face up to it. I squirmed, I wriggled, turned words on their head and avoided the truth as much as I could.
It was the wrong thing to do. I was wrong.
That lie and my unwillingness to face up to my past have come back to bite me a few times.
As I didn’t deal with it the first time, more details surfaced as Sara dug further and it all came back up again. Still in my ignorance I choose not to give all the details. Just leave her be with what she knows now.
Yes, I volunteered some new details and expanded further on what she new but I didn’t address everything because again, I was afraid. Afraid of the consequences to our relationship. Afraid of facing up to things again.
It’s not easy to face up to things sometimes. It’s not easy for me to admit that I’m wrong. That is my failure and I was wrong.
Dealing with my depression for the last 10 years has been handled badly. I’ve struggled most of the time not being on medication. I’ve been afraid of it.
When things were at their worst 10 years ago I broke down, was in hospital for a while and was prescribed anti-depressants. It was a bad time for me. I hadn’t been suicidal before I went on the medication, but thoughts of it became more and more prevalent once I was on it.
Eventually I acted on those thoughts and it is only by sheer luck that I was found and am here writing this post a decade later.
I have been terrified of anti-depressants ever since.
Dealing with my depression without medication has been hell at times. I’ve dealt with it by running away from the issues sometimes. By moving home, country, job. By drinking, sometimes very heavily. Going through phases of drinking and then giving it up. I’ve dealt by isolating myself from others. By isolating the real me from others. By hiding in plain sight. By being the heart and soul of the party, by knowing everyone and having everyone know me. By being Mr. Saturday night on a Wednesday. By hiding behind my bravado, knowledge and gusto. But throwing up a massive shield and not letting anybody inside.
I’ve made very, very many mistakes. I regret them all. I’m sorry for them all, but being able to say it, to admit it to others, to stand up for it, is not something I’ve been able to do properly.
I’ve never been good at admitting failure. I’ve never been good at facing up to what I have done wrong, like lying to Sara about cheating on my ex. I’ve always listened to others and been there for them, but internalized and avoided my own issues.
Internalizing and not dealing has made this unnecessarily harder on myself. I’ve deepened my depression because I wouldn’t deal with issues and I have hurt those I care about because I wouldn’t face up and also because they’ve had to deal with me when my depression gets bad.
I always thought I was protecting people. Protecting those I love. The hidden truth can’t hurt them right?
How wrong I was.
I’ve hurt those I love most because I haven’t told them the truth because I thought I was protecting them and because of my inability to deal with my issues.
I’ve suffered in silence due to my own fear, misguided sense of protection and failure to properly face up to my own shame.
I write this post today to say sorry. To say I’m sorry to a massive number of people.
To everyone who reads this blog. I’m sorry. This blog has never reached it’s potential because I’ve not been open and honest with myself and others. That is going to change. Right now.
To my friends and family. To those people that “know me”. I’m sorry. I’ve let you down. I should have let you in, shown you the real me. That is going to change. I am not the bravado and “Mr. Personality” that you’ve known. I hope you’ll let me show you the real me. I hope you’ll get to know “me” again.
To Sara. My sweet, beautiful Sara who has put up with so much and been my only shoulder and source of strength. You are the only person I’ve let under my shield at all and I’ve disappointed you and let you down because I couldn’t open up.
I want to open up. I want to let you in but it’s not easy for me. My past haunts me. I haunt me. I try so hard to protect you from what is going on. From the happenings of your divorce and the actions of your ex, to my insecurities, issues and past. I try to protect you from my moods, my depression, my worries , my fears and dread. I have a need to protect you.
They say that ignorance is bliss. They were wrong. I believed that and I was wrong.
I’ve told you many times of my dreams for us. Our future, together. A family. How I intend to make you happy and allow you to follow the life and career that you want while I ensure you have nothing to worry about.
I’ve wanted to protect you from everything so we could get to that.
I was wrong. Wanting to protect you from everything is wrong. Not allowing you in is wrong. Not facing up to my issues, not being honest about them and avoiding my past at every turn is wrong.
It hasn’t protected you or our dream. It has led to mistrust and anger.
It hasn’t helped me either.
I haven’t been honest for my own misguided reasons and I haven’t dealt with my past.
I am sorry.
I can’t express in words what writing this post feels like. It’s terrifying. I know that I am about to put a huge part of myself that I do not want to face into the public eye. Put in front of those I care about and people that I don’t even know. I know that I am going to be held accountable for my words.
I fear that. I accept it. But it terrifies me.
Yet there is relief in writing this post. A subtle therapy and perhaps the ingraining of the hope that the writing of this post will mark another major point in my life. Another “restart” if you will. I do not know if this will prove to be true. I can only hope, try and do my very best to make things change.
There are many who will say that I deserve the consequences of not being open and honest. The consequences of not dealing.
They are right. I won’t argue. I deserve it all. There is no justification. There is just my ignorance and fear which I want to overcome.
I am sorry.
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I’ve always said you do your best writing when you are willing to open up and write about yourself, this is no exception.
I’ve made my share of mistakes as well. This has been a hard situation for both of us. I’m sorry for the times I have let you down, and I’m sorry for the times I have been quick to judge.
It’s a hard post to read, but that you are willing to own up to your actions and hold yourself accountable in such a way shows that you understand, and I think, that you mean it.
I appreciate that, more than you know.
Imperfect or not, I love you.
Aww! Big Hugs!!!! I miss you! Just hang in there and the happiness that you both deserve will happen!
Exceptional post. I look forward learning more about you.
Paul,
I can say without any hesitation that I know where you are at and where you are coming from and that while it won`t be bright daylight thre is light at the end of that dark tunnel you have put yourself in. I say this as a habitual liar who woke up one day and saw all that I had lost over the years because of that addiction and said no more – ever.
Like any addiction, and trust me anyone who doesn`t think that lying can be addicting is a fool, lying can eat at you from the inside out and alienate you from the world, from the one`s that love you, and from yourself. As with any addiction it takes the ralization that you are indeed an addict and accepting that fact – then living with the truth of that while you rebuild all that you have torn down over the years.
Depression is a nasty beast that can sneak up on you in the darkest hours of the night and in the bright sunlight of a beautiful day. It can turn your life into a dark cesspool of self-doubt and horrific self-recrimination. There is no cure for it regardless of how many BMW`s you help therapists pay for. Pills will never answer all the problems while at the same times making things ever worse in some cases.
What does help is the person by your side who only sees you with love and understanding. What does help is accepting the fact that you have this illness and there is nothing to be ashamed of or need to hide from those who say they love you.
Trust me my friend the dark days will still be there but as long as you are truthful to others and most importantly to yourself the blackness will become pale shades of gray.
You`ll be okay .. not perfect … but okay. and you know what – there`s nothing wrong with that.
I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much for sharing. I too know how hard it is to open up – to go down those roads you wish you could just lock away forever. But the real joy is finding someone with whom you can share those things and who still loves you just the way you are.
We all make mistakes, we’re all human. The way we react to situations is so often the only way our conscious psyches know how to escape the pain. But we do what we can and soldier on. Just know that you are not alone – the farthest from it. I’ve struggled with anxiety disorders and depression for years myself, so I know *exactly* how you feel.
I won’t write a novel (as I tend to do, lol), but I’ll leave you with one of the quotes I learned in “crazy school” (outpatient group therapy): “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” And those who love you will not resent you. We all do the best we can do with what we are given. Does anyone ever do anything, or enter into a marriage for that matter, thinking it will fail? Of course not! This is a little “doctor heal thyself” here, but cut yourself some slack. Realizing our own attempts at self-sabotage is half the battle.
- Laura @thatwebchick
Kudos and props for writing this post. I think that there’s at least some of your personal struggles that many of us can relate to.
Sometimes I think that fear is the most powerful motivator of all, kind of like the Dark Side.
Best wishes to you.
It takes courage to come out and admit your faults and the mistakes you’ve made in life, so kudos, Paul. You know where I am if you want to talk about anything.