A public apology

This is my first post really branching away from what I usually write about – you have been warned!

I’m having a hard time writing this post because the consequences are ongoing and unresolved but I’m going to plough ahead with it regardless.

It will either be taken as sincere or it will loose me someone I care very deeply about. Here goes.

One thing my grandfather thought me was always to have manners.

Sometimes having good manners and acting like a gentleman is the only thing you have to separate you from everybody else.

Call it manners, chivalry or just plain being nice, he imparted the notion into me so deeply that it became a part of my core being.

Having manners or practicing chivalry has opened many doors for me. It’s also gotten me given out to many times and slapped many times because holding doors open is seen by some as suggesting someone is took weak to perform the action themselves.

It gotten me out of fights and sadly enough it’s gotten me drawn into them as well as I couldn’t let something wrong occur.

Tonight, manners has gotten me into a fight again.

I’m going to make any bones about it. I used to a prick. I used to be the kind of guy that did everything with the sole goal of his own immediate enjoyment.

Is used to live my life not caring about other people. Using them if you will, until I had a major breakdown and a major catharsis occurred after I tried to commit suicide almost a decade ago. I almost succeeded too, except for the fact that I was in a hospital bathroom when it occurred and I was discovered.

Anyway, I digress.

Tonight  my manners got me into a fight and has upset someone very, very dear to me (lets call this person Alpha).

The thing is that this incident happened live on air on UStream tonight (not recorded) yet I guarantee you that nobody but me and the friend who’s feelings are obviously badly hurt know about it.

Long story short is that I had been arguing with a real life someone (lets call this someone Bravo) earlier in the day at that someone happened to be in the same physical room as me during the broadcast.

I was asked by Bravo to pass a set of headphones to them which were located behind my monitor.

I looked for these headphones (which were there I just couldn’t see them because they were after falling down the back of the desk) and couldn’t find them so went to locate them because I was the last person to have used them.

I’d used them to determine if sound issues with one of my PC’s was due to a fault with the headphones I was using or something  more sinister.

I told Bravo not to get up. I’d pass the headphones to them.

Bravo has a personal comfort issue with being in front of my live cameras and just won’t go there. I respect that even if I had been arguing with them so I did not see the point in causing yet another argument by insisting that they come in front of the camera and retrieve them from behind my monitor.

For an easy life, not to be a prick about things and to avoid another argument, I elected to get the headphones and give them to Bravo.

Alpha doesn’t like Bravo.

The reasons are complex, but well understood by me.  They don’t need to be expanded upon in this post.

Alpha was watching the show and knew about the trouble which had occurred during the day between Bravo and myself.

Alpha was also aware of Bravo’s presence in room with me prior to their watching the UStream feed,

When I got the headphones for Bravo it was like a silver bullet for Alpha causing them to take off like the proverbial bat out of hell.

Apparently I’ve hurt Alpha, badly, by getting the headphones for Bravo.

Now, my reasons for getting them are simple. I did not want to be a prick. I did not want to get into an argument for being a git while I was live on UStream.

As great viewing as that may have made for some folk, it was neither the time nor the place for it.

So here’s the kicker.

I’m apologizing to Alpha for hurting your feelings. I’m sorry I hurt you. I really am. I wish it had never happened.

But… (I hate this but there has to be one)

I will not apologize for being nice, civil, or whatever you want to call it, to Bravo.

I will not be prick for no reason and I will not start an argument for no other reason than to start one.

Love me for it, or hate me for it, but I will not be a bastard just for the sake of it.

Other idiots occupy that domain (you know the type – fine house, great wife who’s probably miserable, seams like they have lots of money, yet have no real friends) and they’re bloody well welcome to it.