It’s The Holiday Season But Nobody Needs To Know Your Opening Hours

It goes without saying that the holidays are one of, if not the most profitable times for retailers, but they are especially important those with physical stores.

It follows that those businesses such as malls, that make their money from renting space to retailers would do everything in their power to properly notify the public of their opening hours and not fall foul of stupid shit like this:

Holiday bours fail

Already daunted by the idea of the mindless zombie shopping horde large crowds of shoppers and long checkout lines, having your holiday opening hours posted as an image that is practically illegible on mobile devices (and on a dedicated mobile site that doesn’t support pinch to zoom) is a great way to convince shoppers to enjoy the convenience of home delivery and ordering online.

We are days away from 2016, this kind of faux pas is simply unacceptable.

An Exercise In How Not To Sell Online Advertising Space

How Not To Sell Advertising Space - Paul OFlaherty

If you sell anything, especially in the online advertising space, read the following and learn from it. Never make the mistakes this girl made, not even once!

Angry Paul O'Flaherty
This was my “happy face” after the call.

A few weeks ago I had a woman representing a local TV news station call trying to sell my client advertising on their website. When I used the word “sell” in the previous sentence, what I actually meant was “shove it down my throat and force me to make an immediate decision on”. It was like being ear-raped by an angry woodpecker that keeps pecking the word “buy” until your inner ear explodes.

Lets get a few things straight here:

I am not going to part with many thousands of my clients’ dollars simply because you call and tell me that if I don’t buy it now it will be gone by the end of the day.

Telling me that you serve 2 million impressions a month, and then slipping in at the end of the pitch that our advert would be one of 7 rotating in the spot, does not a good pitch make. Pitching 2 million and delivering 285K impressions is not that impressive. It’s like waving a 4 inch wiener around at an orgy organized by John Holmes.

Those 285K impressions become even less impressive  when you consider that the space you’re pimping is only on the front page of the site. I don’t care how many impressions your site serves if the advert is only running on the front page. How many impressions does THAT page get? You know, the one where the advertising will actually appear! Oh, you can’t answer? How predictable!

Impressions mean nothing without context! I want to know, at the very least, the number of unique visitors and the geographic distribution of those visitors. But again, you can’t answer that. How freaking hard is it to say – “the page we want you to advertise on gets X number of unique visitors a month with 90% of those being in our target geographic area”?

I want to know if 50% of those “impressions” are actually being generated by one over-enthusiastic, pantsless fanboy sitting in his mother’s basement in Nebraska. Such information defines the value proposition of the potential advertising space. Don’t even get me started on demographics of the unique visitors from our target area.  How hard is this information to get? Here’s an answer for you – it’s not.

When I ask you to email me the information, because I’ll have an answer for you quicker that way (because you know, I’ve got absolutely nothing better to do than sit here and listen to your sales pitch over and over – which consists mostly of you talking over me until you get your way), and you tell me that you only send your email out at the end of the day (are you serious?) and you MIGHT send me one if the spaces aren’t taken!?!

Honestly, it would have been more polite to just tell me to “piss off” while we were on the phone – your armchair reverse-psychology isn’t going to work on anybody with an IQ above that of a glass of water.

There is no excuse for this level of incompetence when selling business-to-business.

There is no excuse for this level of incompetence and pushy arrogance, period.

DoucheTube

Is motorboating girls an appropriate way to raise money for breast cancer research? Can laying your boobs on random things save your life? Learn from this University of Iowan teaching assistant and find out what you should never email to your students. Have you ever been angry enough to bite your mates dong “like a sandwich”? And when did competitive sports stop being competitive?

The above questions and more are tackled on this weeks show, along with the triumphant return of the “Anonymous Bad Joke Of The Week”.

Stories mentioned in this episode of the Nothing Serious Podcast include:

This Photo Sums Up Much Of What Is Wrong With The Deep South

“Loose” the second “ammendment”. Let the second “ammendment” run free.

I have no idea what an “ammendment” is, it may be distantly related to an amendment, but apparently if we “loose” the second one, we will have to “loose” them all.

While we were driving home today from West Mobile, Sara spotted this truck with some awesome stickers that just have to be seen to be believed.

I’m not normally a stickler for spelling and grammar (I can’t type coherently without spell-check) , but if  you’re going to stick something on the outside of your vehicle supporting a political or religious view, then be prepared to come up against some ridicule when you cock up.

Second Ammendment

Clearly Google AdWords Does Not Care About Trees

Responsible sourcesListen up Google AdWords team!

As a long-term user I really appreciate it when you send coupons for free advertising to my clients and myself. It’s always a great way to make sure that we test out new features or simply to pull time away and devote a little time to tweaking our advertising campaigns for greatest benefit.

Free stuff is always awesome, and we love it! You know we do!

On the other hand, free stuff that we can not use is not awesome.

For example, today I received $150 credit for AdWords that would be enabled as long as we spent $50 (which we do in no time at all). That brought such happy joy, joy feelings to my heart and put a big old smile on my face. It’s the little things…

But then I flipped the sheer over and read the small print. In order to use the promotional credit I needed to have an AdWords account which is less than 14 days old.

My smile quickly disappeared and look of confusion crept across my face as I tried to understand why on earth Google would send this to me – a card, a brochure, and a letter all wrapped in Google envelope, while making a point of using paper from “responsible sources”?

I was under the impression that the use of “responsible sources” also meant that you used the product responsibly?

Maybe I got that one wrong?

Google Adwords Wasted

Baby Megatron Will Have Revenge

Hail Megatron
I wonder if Megatron will smile about this?

It’s good to see that the idiots are out in full force. If you haven’t heard about it, the online world is buzzing about “Baby Megatron” or at least the baby who may be called Megatron now that more than 1,000,000 (1 million) people have joined the Facebook fan page called:

MY SISTER SAID IF I GET ONE MILLION FANS SHE WILL NAME HER BABY MEGATRON

I hope the Facebook page is still available when the kids grows up, because he or she is going to have some serious giving out to do. He (or she) is going to have a list of a lot of people to take revenge on for the absolute torture they have encouraged in this kids life.

Hell, with a name like Megatron, it will be amazing if the kid survives to puberty without getting the crap kicked repeatedly out of them in the school yard or doesn’t take a long walk off a short bridge due to the sheer embarrassment anytime anyone calls their name.

Don’t get where I’m going with this? Think about how “Cook Poo” felt in the episode “The Perfect Week” of “How I met Your Mother”. Now multiple that by a million.

And how about chatting up a girl or a bloke? +10 for geek cred but -1,000,000 for ever getting laid!

Seriously though, this is the most daftest meme to have done the rounds in a long time.

Yep, it may be smart(ish), yep it may be witty and yes if it ever happens somebody and their baby will get their fifteen minutes of idiot fame but c’mon folks, don’t we have better things to be supporting?

As apathetic as online petitions are, don’t you think that as a species we could come up with something a little more productive that this to put our weight behind, rather than potentially scarring an unborn baby for life?